Month: October 2017

More than mere words…part two

More than mere words…part two

There is a point within the greaving process where one earns the right to speak life into a situation. However, even with that permission, there are a few do’s and don’ts to the process you should know about. Now before we enter the list of do’s and don’ts let me also say that there are exceptions, here are a few of them; 1, You are a trained professional and they have come to you seeking help. 2, You are a trusted close friend whom they have confided in and they have specifically asked you for your thoughts. 3, They have asked you for your thoughts. 4, They have come to you asking you for advice. 5, They sought you out and asked you for your input. 6, Are you catching the theme? Rule number 1, do not cross the greaving line if you haven’t been asked or given an opening through conversation.

Now for our do’s when speaking life into a greaving heart. First, be absolutely certain they are ready to receive whatever you are about to say if you aren’t absolutely certain, hold your tongue. If all the lights are green proceed with caution, be gentle, remain sympathetic and empathetic. Listen more than you speak. It is ok to use some Scripture, here is a good one, Deuteronomy 31:8; “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Use real life, personal stories, they do not have to be yours just besure you have permission to share or change the names and places. Be optimistic but do not make promises or guarantees, with the exception of Jesus not abandoning them. Pray with and for them, at the moment.

Here are the don’ts. This list can really be a long one but i am going to try to keep it simple. Don’t overuse Scripture, i know you are going to want too and you are going to justify it in your mind…don’t do it.  Some is good, but too much is a bad thing. Encourage them to read the Word, and pray about it but just don’t quote Scripture. If they wanted a preacher they’d go to the pastor, (you could encourage them to talk to a pastor).  Don’t say, “I will pray for you.” (As written up in the do’s, pray for them on the spot, let them hear you!) DO NOT be like these guys, Jobs friends, because in the end, God said this to them, “I am angry with you [Eliphaz] and your two friends because you have not spoken the truth about me.” Job 42:7. Do not speak in cliche’s because most of them although said to be biblical are NOT!

When i have gone through difficult times i have needed empathy first, encouragement second and advice last. Besides, advice, given without request only sounds degrading. You may not use the words but i guarantee it sounds like this, “YOU SHOULD HAVE…” Capped with, “YOU IDIOT!” There may come a time for those words but i assure you, it won’t be early on and it better be coming from my best friend. Being there for someone going through tragedy is hard but it can be a blessing as well, as you show empathy, and encouragement, you will gain wisdom, and i can promise you that!

You are Loved,

cj

 

More than mere words…part one

More than mere words…part one

“Everything is going to be ok.” Have you heard those words before, spoken to you by someone trying to comfort you? There are a lot of one-liners out there meant to encourage or comfort us…however, those are just words. Time and time again when i have been down or just need a boost, i have heard, “hang in there, things are going to get better.” Even though they are right, things eventually got better, those were not the words i needed to hear. What i needed at the time was someone to empathize with me.

Empathy is defined this way by Websters Dictionary, “the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” i needed someone to say, “you know what that does suck, and i can only imagine what you are going through. Life sure can be unfair.” Empathy is far more comforting than some of our most uplifting sayings. Matthew records Jesus’ sermon on the mount in Chapter 5, where Jesus says, “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Maybe this is where we get our over need to comfort those going through seemingly difficult times.

There are so many passages in scripture that bring comfort when one is ready to hear them…but there is a mourning period. Traditionally, looking at Scripture as our root, the mourning period lasted 7 days, with some exceptions of 30 days. For this period of mourning, there was crying, lamenting, tearing of clothes, folks did not groom themselves during the time of mourning either. Traditional readings stopped as well during this period, along with celebrations and work. True mourning was a shared experience of the grief-stricken, empathy. There is something very comforting knowing that one is not walking alone, crying alone, alone.

There is a time when mourning ends. The mourner then moves on the best they can in light of the tragedy they just came. It is at this point we offer the encouragement to continue on, move on, and press on, come into play. Certainly not before or during mourning. The most comforting thing you can do when someone is greaving is to be present, be available, cry with them, lament with them, don’t try to be the fixer, just be. When the period of mourning is over, then begin to encourage them. In Job when his friends first got on the scene they responded perfectly, “When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.” Job 2:12-13

The first part of getting through a difficult time is mourning. The best way to comfort a person in mourning is to empathize with them, more than mere words, live life with them in their shoes, their feelings, their sorrow. Earn the right to encourage them at the right time through your empathizing cries.

You are Loved,

cj

The Sheep and the Goats

The Sheep and the Goats

We are living in an increasingly partisan culture. We hear the word tribe often to clarify partisanship, which simply is, groupings. It has always been around for sure. We read about it throughout Scripture. However, it has become hyper-partisan. Everything is a group or sub-group with no limitations on how far one can take it and no one needs your permission to put you in that group. “You like chocolate ice cream so therefore you cannot possibly like vanilla too!” It has been a political paradigm for the most part when we would discuss partisanship, up-until-recently, however, the line is now blurred.

First, i will agree that there are definitely two groups, in fact, Jesus taught on these two groups, He called them the “sheep” and the “goats”. That is pretty much where the groups start and finish, however. Within those two groups are people, with various ideas, understandings, ways of life, social status, economic structure, intelligence and the list goes on…and among the goats, the list is even longer.

Now, Jesus, defined these two groups this way, sheep, equals saved, goats, equal not saved. It is worth noting here that these two groups are separated at the judgment and although there are good reasons to watch our associations it should never be a practice to segregate ourselves. “But how can they call on Him to save them unless they believe in Him? And how can they believe in Him if they have never heard about Him? And how can they hear about Him unless someone tells them?” Romans 10:14.

Let’s talk sheep. Sheep don’t always get along. Paul split ways with Barnabas because they couldn’t agree on a philosophy of ministry, not a philosophy of salvation to which there was no disagreement. It’s ok. However, that is the exception, not the rule. “44 And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common;45 and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. 46 Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart” Acts 2:44-46. 

Jesus said, “Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and don’t do as I say?” Luke 6:46. He also said, “If you love Me, obey my commandments.” John 14:15. He clarified those commandments this way, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40.

For me, here is what it boils down to, Love; Unconditional love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and a genuine faith. (1 Timothy 1:5). We love one another, we sacrifice for one another, we do for one another and we pray for one another…including GOATS! We live the message of Christ out in our love for one another, we tell others about this love by living it out in our actions so that when we say it with our mouths it has a deeper meaning. In the end when Jesus does separate us, the sheep and the goats, we can stand confidently that we did, we lived, and we loved the best we could.

καιρός

καιρός

Have you ever prayed and prayed and prayed, and it seems as if God isn’t listening? Or you haven’t received the answer you were looking for, or you didn’t like the answer you were given? Welcome to life. There are many reasons why prayers go unanswered. There is a country song (Listen Here) that mainly talks about unanswered prayers being a good thing. It definitely isn’t a bad thing when some of our prayers go unanswered.  i want to touch briefly on a few reasons why it seems our prayers go unanswered or why we don’t get the answer that we think is best. This is not an exhaustive study by any means but a quick glance to better our understanding.

First, motives. We need to have the right motives when praying. How are we using the answer or how will the answer benefit us? James 4:3 says, “And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong-you want only what will give you pleasure.” i could stop there because that is pretty clear but let me take us to another passage. 1 John 5:14-15 reads, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of Him.” Let me assure you that if you “Seek first the Kingdom of God…” Your will and God’s will, will be one in the same and motives will not be what hinders your prayers.

Second, sin. God is under no obligation to answer our prayers and especially if we are not living right. If you are a non-believer the only prayer that you can be 100% assured God will hear and answer is that of you crying out to Him for salvation. After that, our continued sin can be a hindrance to our prayers. Isaiah 59:2 says, “Your iniquities (sin) have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.” and in 1 Peter 3:12 we read, “The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and His ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns His face against those who do evil.” Now we know that God does not abandon us. He desires to bless us, i simply point out God’s word to us. Jesus teaches God’s desire in Matthew 7:9-11 (NIV) “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!“

Third, delays. It could be that your answer was sent to you from the moment you started praying. However, there is a spiritual battle going on that you can not see but is there, and it is delaying your answer. Daniel finds this out, and we can read about it in Daniel 10:12-14 (NLT) “Then he said, ‘Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first-day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer. But for twenty-one days the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels, came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia. Now I am here to exprain what will happen to your people in the future, for this vision concerns a time yet to come.‘”

Fourth, timing. This one is a big one! If you say, i have confessed my sin, and i trust that my motive and intention are in line with God’s will, it may just be, that the timing might not be right. There might be work yet to do. It might involve others who have free will as you do and God is still working on them. Patience is key. Hebrews 10:36 (NLT) says, “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.” Hebrews 6:13-15 (NLT) reads, “For example, there was God’s promise to Abraham. Since there was no one greater to swear by, God took an oath in His own name, saying: ‘I will certainly bless you, and I will multiply your descendants beyond number.’ Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised.'”

Finally, we need to trust in God’s timing.  Kairos (καιρός) is an Ancient Greek word meaning the right, critical or opportune moment. His timing is perfect. Instead of being angry or impatient with unanswered prayer, look at it as an opportunity. An opportunity to make sure you and God are in a good place. An opportunity to make sure your motives are pure. An opportunity to grow in spiritual strength equipping you for more significant battles down the road. An opportunity to be at the exact right time and the exact right place to see God’s mighty hand move in ways you couldn’t even have hoped or imagined!

You are Loved,

cj